It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
