so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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