i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
