I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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