Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
