I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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