Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
