I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
