The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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