my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
