I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Randomize
