im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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