I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
organizing the empties. That sober.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
