Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
