Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
