i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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