Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
