Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
