Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
that may or may not have been my penis.
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