You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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