i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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