i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
