Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
