That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
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Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
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I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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