I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
