Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
