he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I touched a dick in church today
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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