sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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