so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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