We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
