He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I supernannyed him into submission
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
