Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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