Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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