remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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