I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
