last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.