Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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