you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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