i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
