Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
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Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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