Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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