Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
