I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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