I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
