I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.