i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I told you penises don't tan
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?