i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.