i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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