Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
