Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize