He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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