I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize