Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
