It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
