Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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