Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
