Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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