So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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