In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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