Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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