I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
