U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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