For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
