does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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